Melania Trump Club

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dancing with the Stars' Results, Week One: Who Got Kicked Off

Heavens to Murgatroyd. Guess when you’re encased in a realm as sparkly and dazzling as the mirror-balled land that is "DWTS," there’s no giving World Peace a chance.

Alas, the ballroom lost a little bit of its luster Tuesday night. Sure, the L.A. Laker had the lowest judges’ points. And just based on his stiff cha cha, there was no way Metta was going to win the mirror-ball trophy. But this guy was buckets o’ entertaining, and I, for one, am sad to see this basketball player go. Like host Tom Bergeron, I’m mourning the season’s worth of antics and rapping that Metta would no doubt have brought to the ballroom. Had the NBA champ fallen victim to bad official-name-change timing? Perhaps people didn’t know who to vote for: Ron Artest, or Metta World Peace. I also think Metta’s decision to highlight his hair blond for performance night made him all but unrecognizable to his fans (he looked more like himself after he dyed his hair back Tuesday).

But that, like the name Ron Artest, is all in the past now. As is Metta’s short-lived "DWTS" career. At least now we have his induction into the Losers’ Club to look forward to. But Metta took his pink slip like the pro that he is, smiling from ear to ear with his arms raised high in triumph, and entreaties of "Who’s coming with me?" to the rest of the cast. And it was fun while it lasted: I enjoyed his open declarations of hotness of all his cast members. His entreaties to dance with Bergeron and hit the clubs with Nancy Grace. His brazen wish to "inspire every Chippendale in the world." Well, Metta: Maybe the other Chippendales can scoot over and make space for you on their roster, now that you’ve got some time on your hands. Certainly, you’ve shown that you can rock the no-shirt bow-tie look..

I knew things were amiss when my pick for the first elimination, Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy, were deemed safe early on in the results program. But instead of employing the red lights of danger, this season, each contestant deemed safe had his or her Iron Chef-like image removed from the jumbotron of Kitchen Stadium. This week, Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke, and Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus stewed in jeopardy alongside Metta and Peta.

Ballplayer Ron Artest got ejected. When it was revealed that Rob Kardashian, Nancy Grace, and Artest were in the bottom three, there was no chance for a first week upset. They all deserved to go. However, while it was unlikely that Artest would find the grace on the dance floor that he demonstrates on the court, there was something funny and unpredictable about him. (Witness his yell of "Who's coming with me?" after he heard the news.) Now we'll never know what would happen if, say, someone threw a Pepsi at him on the dance floor. The silver lining of his departure is that we don't have to pretend to call him Metta World Peace anymore. Though wasn't it fun to hear them say "Metta and Peta" over and over?
(LIST: Dancing With the Who? The Most Dubious DWTS 'Stars')
Most surprising moment: When we learned that Clooney castoff Elisabetta Canalis and partner Val will be coming back next week. More surprising is that they weren't even in the bottom three. Who are all these Canalis fans? What could they possibly be fans of—her dating acumen?
Least surprising moment: Rob Kardashian in jeopardy. Between the clips of Kardashian koaching from the sidelines and big sister Khloe yelling at judge Bruno to "clean his ears," the littlest Kardashian barely stood a chance. The fact that he has two left feet and no apparent personality doesn't help the situation much.
Best behind the scenes footage: Meeting the troupe. This group of dancers has a lot of talent, ego and Australians. Also they can say things like "We're young, we're sexy and we kill it on the dance floor" with a completely straight face. Actually, now we're jealous.
Best musical number: LMFAO. Sorry Harry Connick Jr. Your sultry smooth jazz vibes are undeniable, but watching the Chmerkovskiy brothers dance in tandem to LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem" was simply hot.
Most baffling styling: Ron Artest's bleached facial hair. During last night's results show we saw that Artest had his natural dark hair in the behind-the-scenes training videos. Yet during his Monday night performance he had bleached blond hair, and then during judging he was brunet again. Maybe he would have made it another week if he had used his hair time to practice dancing.
Most cringeworthy moment: Behind-the-scenes footage of Rob Kardashian trying to impress "attractive older lady" Chynna Phillips with his "A Game." Just say no, Chynna! Coming in a close second was Nancy Grace asking Rob Kardashian where his Game Boy was in a deeply sad attempt at being funny. He's obviously a Sony PSP guy.
Most tense moment of the evening: When producers pitted Chynna Phillips, Chaz Bono, and J.R. Martinez against each other during one round of eliminations. While attentive viewers may have quickly realized the producers' ploy, some of us who were checking our Twitter feed may have had a moment of panic. There was a moment when we wondered whether voters could have ousted one of the top three dancers so early in the competition.

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